Feel you! My mom is suffering from a chronic depression. She got diagnosed when I was like 12 years old. Ever since that day I felt guilty for her and worried more about her than about me. Plus I worried about my younger brother cause I felt responsible for him when my mom was in therapy for a few months. And I felt responsible ever since. I was just trying to give my best to deal with all the things and didn’t want my brother to feel as overwhelmed as I did so I found myself constantly worrying about how I could keep him happy and what I could do to heal my mothers depression (cute huh?) cause I felt like I was a main reason why she got so depressed. At the same time I was trying to keep myself busy, meeting friends, having sleepovers or watching movies or reading – there was no moment of silence because somehow I knew silence would break my strength cause I’d have to listen to myself and my needs. That was a pretty weird time especially because I was this young. Still felt that way when I was in the beginning of my 20’s. I was moving in another town cause I wanted to and my mom always said that it’s my life and I should do this cause she didn’t want me to regret anything later. And that was a big thing for me, probably the most selfish but also the best thing I could’ve ever done. When I was 26 I was moving back in my hometown cause the amount of guilt I was suddenly feeling was just that real again, after I realized that I was living my best life while my mom went back to a long term therapy and my brother gained weight cause he was struggling with some things as well. The guilt was so heavy I couldn’t breath anymore the moment I realized what I “did”. The only thing that finally helped me out (now I’m 29) is that I started talking about how I feel, I was setting goals and realized that my mom just felt happy for me every time I reached one of my goals. Well you can’t pour an empty cup .. it took me ages to realize that. I’m still having my moments of feeling guilty especially when my moms depression is back but it gets better every time I talk about it – you can’t let anyone feel better by feeling the same why. It just doesn’t make any sense.

And thanks for sharing your experience!

You are so perfect.You are my idol and I always thought you are perfect I love you my beautiful idol!❤️🫶

Hi Claire! This piece thoroughly described myself and how I feel. I have learned that I will go along with decisions I don’t agree with, because I’m afraid to speak up and make someone upset. When I see someone emotionally hurt, it makes me sad, and it’s because of being empathic, and feeling others sadness. I often carry anxiety or a gut feeling the whole day. But something’s that I have found to help when I feel like that is to exercise, such as yoga. I know you are very athletic, so I am sure you probably have tried that. But wherever you are, try to take a walk outside, to let the fresh air clear your mind. Mine is always racing thinking about things I’ve done in the past, and what I am gonna do in the next 10 minutes. Also, try a planner!! I use an old fashioned paper one, and I have stickers and colorful pens! When I feel stressed or my mind is spiraling with anxiety, I write everything I have going on or want to accomplish, and I make it super neat, and fun. Even though you maybe feeling guilty, it helps control your thoughts. Just remember, despite the guilty feeling, you deserve your time away/ work trips. Your kids may miss you of course, and seem sad but someday, your going to be telling them how to go through the same thing with leaving children of their own for a few days, and they are going to tell you how guilty they feel. Just remember it’s okay to have some self care, and time for yourself! You deserve it! Hope this helps you! ❤️❤️❤️ -Madi

I am a single mom and worked as a CEO in healthcare for many years. This was extremely difficult during Covid. I left both of my daughters at home during a divorce and a pandemic. They suffered alone and had to transition to home schooling by themselves. I have guilt, but I also know they are resilient. My point is, I believe my children will be proud of me. As I believe your children will grow to be extremely proud of you. Remember, they need to see us as humans. Our experiences both wonderful and life’s failures. And please remember this, no matter how hard you try to be a perfect mother, teenage years are going to be challenging yet extraordinary. There is no perfect family. However, they will grow up to love you unconditionally.

my case is that I stress too much and it prevents me from evolving in my life, I am always pensive, I complicate my existence too much to think only of failure. for example my defense in not too long I’m stressed as ever, I tell myself that I’m going to screw everything up, I wouldn’t be up to it I’m going to be humiliated… and that worries me . If you have any tips or tricks to give me to overcome all of this I would appreciate it. Claire Holt thank you for giving us the chance to make us listen, I love you.

Wow I loved reading this. I love vulnerability as I believe it has the power to normalize struggles. With that said, I gave a presentation for work yesterday and only left about two minutes for questions. When I asked if anyone had any questions I waited two seconds before I wanted to bring up one other thing. Afterward I had tremendous guilt for not giving more time for my colleagues, and I’m still in the guilt spiral. I also feel guilty every time I bring up a need to my husband. The next days ends with me apologizing profusely and saying he’s a wonderful husband and I don’t know what’s wrong with me asking and needing something more. Thankfully I know where it comes from with the help of brainspotting with my therapist. When I was a child I asked my mom if she could be home from work more often so she can cook dinner and can have family meals. She burst into tears. I had never seen her cry before so I had this feeling of it’s my fault. Anyway for feelings of I’m not grateful enough Susan David has been featured on podcasts about our culture of forces false positivity. That helps me too. Wishing you many strengths!!

Girl you are an amazing hard worker and you deserve to get beaks ok life isn’t all about always constantly doing something you have chosen to do amazing things with your life and that I can mama is amazing❤️❤️😊

I feel this so much. I currently am a stay at home mom but I feel guilt like this every time I go do something on my own or have a girls night, date night, take a trip without my kids. I feel guilty if I’m eating something they might have liked or seeing something I know they would love. I also feel this for other people in my life too. Sorry, I don’t have any tips at the moment but just wanted to say I know how it feels. I think it stems from seeing the generations of women in my family before me do it all for their family and children and not much for themselves. I mean give up everything for everyone. I should definitely change things up so my daughters don’t feel the same. It’s not easy though. 💗💗💗

It’s okay this complex made you the great woman & mom you’re today 🥰, love you & I wish you the best ✌️❤️

Hello Claire. I’d like to thank you for sharing your writings, I enjoy it every week since I’ve discovered them. I feel every word about guilt. It seems to be a “mother’s thing” on one side but other side guilt has its place in me since childhood. I don’t know if there’s any solution! Still working on it. Send your some courage and positive wibes 🙏

First off, I loved the vulnerability in this post. The biggest thing that helps me when I feel any sort of isolating emotion is to remind myself that I am not alone and other people feel these things too. Your post did just that for me! I too spend my time in therapy processing that nature vs nurture aspect of healing trauma, and bounce between not wanting to place blame (duh, because I’m a people pleaser and don’t want to make anyone mad.) Sending you love xx

Hello, my name is Chloe and I’m currently 23. I’m the oldest of 4 children, so although I’m considered younger in age, I still have a lot of guilt surrounding being there for my younger siblings. I’ve become a lot more maternal as I’ve gotten older, and therefore sometimes think of my siblings almost as if they’re my responsibility too. After all, I did help raise them. Whenever we go through family struggles (for example, right now my parents are at the start of a divorce process), I always feel I have to step up (or jump up) and ensure I’m looking after everyone. This includes my Mum, and my three siblings. It’s difficult to remember to look after yourself, as well as everyone else. I have an early bedtime, as I have an hour commute every morning and like to have at least 8 hours. However, this means I’m not home for very long in the evenings and during that time, I feel I have to spend time with my siblings individually and try to keep them busy. I fear that if I don’t do this, they’ll get upset about everything going on and I tend to feel that it’s my fault. If only I could spend more time with them, go to bed later and not worry about my 8 hours. But then I have to stop and think. If I didn’t have my 8 hours (that I know that I need) then I physically wouldn’t be able to care for them. I’d be in a much worse mood, I’d likely doze off whilst spending time with them anyway, and I need the extra wind down time before physically falling asleep to de-compartmentalise the day and once I found a routine for me- I knew I couldn’t let it slip. Reading before bed- even for 10 minutes, spraying my pillow with a pillow spray and small routines like this, tell my brain that we’re getting ready to sleep and I have a much better sleep for doing it. So I can’t give this up, as much as I can feel guilty at times. I think we all have to work out what works best for us, whilst also being there for others. It’s all about balance. We can’t fully be present for those we love, if we aren’t being present for ourselves too. Sending loads of love, light and positivity x

Each of us walk a different path and you have given so much already Claire honey. Your sense of humour has made me smile and brightened my day many many times. You have worked hard and followed your dreams and brought some beautiful little humans into the world. You are allowed to have a wonderful life and the advice I want to pass on is that it will become easier to let go of feeling guilty as you get older. 50 was a big turning point for me and now at 59 it is even easier! You are a beautiful soul having your human experience and it’s ok for your experience to be a joyful, beautiful one. You are not depriving anyone of theirs…this is your journey. With love and thanks for letting us see little glimpses and for all the smiles I get from your posts, love Nicolle (Australia) xxx

Dear Claire,

it’s totally fine to look back.
If you want to go back, you can. You can take these ‘’old parts’’ and trasform them in new. Your carrer must keep going.
Don’t be afraid just because of the little people around you. They’ll understand your reasons, it’ll takes time, but they will. Your life is a choice, remember it: ALWAYS.

with love
Luke