I struggle with this too and spend a lot of time on it with my therapist. I feel guilty when I take time for myself because I feel like I could be doing something productive or spending time with my kids. I seriously can’t lay still for 30 minutes without wondering if I should be going through the kids drawers to get rid of old clothes.

I find it’s helpful to set an intention every morning that I repeat during a routine, like brushing my teeth. I remind myself that I’m a person who needs self care in order to be my best self, and I pick a thing to do that day. Care can look like anything: trash tv for an hour, a good jog, boozy brunch with friends, or even spending time on a new career.

If you take care of yourself, you will be the best version of yourself for your kids, spouse, friends, family. They won’t hate you for it. The ones who truly matter will want it for you, and need it for themselves too. There is no guilt in that.

The people who don’t want you to flourish can fuck off. Which leads me to the last thing:

Where we differ is the people-pleasing part. When I reached my mid 30s I realized it’s ok if not everyone likes me. I’m not going to actively try to be disliked by someone, but I won’t set myself on fire to keep them warm, as the expression goes. It’s so freeing. It’s ok if not everyone likes you!!

xoxo

I also struggle with guilt complex, I am also a chronic people pleaser (I even work in healthcare). I feel guilty when I don’t give my patients, my friends or my family members 100% every single time. I also feel like I struggle with putting pressure on myself when I’m not super productive on my days off – for example I cleaned the whole kitchen and started laundry before I even poured myself coffee or washed my face this morning. I feel like a failure when my home isn’t clean or things aren’t put away. And on the other I also struggle with putting my future and wants first. I would love to travel for work or try something new but the thought of leaving my department short handed makes me nauseous.
I think we all have to remember that our happiness needs to come first because when we can’t find that peace within ourselves, we can’t give 100% to everyone else without feeling absolutely drained.
I hope this makes sense! Thank you, Claire for creating this space and making us feel like we’re not crazy and we’re not alone!

This post has hit me right to the heart . I’ve never been able to put into words how I feel or why I feel the way that I do. I am so greatfull for you’re post .Ever since I was a child I have been a chronic people pleaser thinking it would get me the love I dearly needed. (it didnt) As an Adult I’ve pigeon holed myself by being a said people pleaser. I could go on for hours about my hard oul life but everyone’s life is different and difficult in different ways ,but I will say that you are not alone Kx

I’m not a mom yet but I understand you, I’m almost 32 and I feel frustrated because I’m unemployed and my siblings pay everything for me, I didn’t finish college and when I decided to go back my dad passed away (2015) he was the only person I could talk to and I miss him so bad, wish things in Venezuela were different,hope one day I could meet you Claire you are an incredible actress and hope I can interview you one day and be friends

Hey Claire, this post really resonated with me. I’m in my early 20s (ur definitely becoming more gen z by the day) I am in essence a people pleaser who tries her hardest to be ‘good’ in others eyes and the though of being anything else scares me to death. I’ve recently been making strides with my therapist who gets me to do something relaxing and dexterous for myself at least once a day. Recently its been crystal sticking u know those posters that you put different coloured plastic on top of each section and it becomes a sparkly dolphin or something. I also try to go swimming often, it really helps me! -Aoife xx

I struggle with guilt a lot. As a kid if my mum asked me to make her a coffee and I didn’t, I’d sit in my room just feeling so guilty and unable to do anything until I went and made her that coffee. Silly I know. Even when I’d fight with my siblings, I’d sit in my room and sob because I’d feel so guilty for being mean to them. As opposed to you though, I think mine had a lot to do with my mum, she always has been, and still is, quite toxic. She’d always call me a bully as a kid hence why I felt so guilty for being mean to my siblings. And even now, I still live with her and I do pretty much all the chores around the house (walk two large dogs daily, cook for between 2-6 people daily, do the dishes before and after cooking etc). And if I’m a bit lazy for one or two days e.g. I walk the dogs but then spend a few hours in the garden and don’t cook; she’ll start saying I don’t do enough around the house etc. I’ve started standing up for myself a little more recently (mainly because of the encouragement of someone else) and now she’s saying things like ‘you’ve changed’, ‘you don’t spend time with me anymore’. But even though I’ve started standing up for myself I still sit in my room and sob with guilt whenever I do.
I’m also a people pleaser and am incapable of being mean to anyone haha.

I always loved you since I was a kid but this time I will talk about my stuff here 😭. You are right. I wish there could be a place for telling everything we thinking without being judged. I personally wanna be with my boyfriend 24/24 and when he doesnt reply fast I feel like he hates me and I am getting so anxious that I start to feel very sick and I can’t focus on anything else. Idk I feel like I might have bpd or something related bcs this is not normal.. and I am also ashamed to tell him this because you can’t make anyone to be there for you faster or smth. Everyone is busy… and I can’t make him answer all the time. I am not a child. He doesnt have to take care of me all the time but I kinda feel like I need that AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY :((( I am afraid if I tell him he will get scared and leave me.

This is me (I cried the night before my 10th birthday because my parents wouldn’t have a kid in the single digits anymore). Won’t say I’ve perfected not being a people pleaser, but two things have helped. 1. The advice that if someone offers something “can I help” “I can drive you to the airport” or whatever it might be, a small portion of their brain expects you to say yes. So say yes to help. Don’t try to take it all on your shoulders. Because a part of them expects you to say yes or they wouldn’t have asked. 2. Small goals. Need to do the laundry? Need to workout, clean the house, ext? Do your workout and leave the dishes. It’s not a choir that will cause anyone harm if it’s not done, but not doing something for you will. So do part of something on your checklist, then take a break. Put the laundry in the wash and take a break. Then put it in the dryer and take a break! The laundry won’t stop anyone from living their life if it’s not folded that day. Small steps and small goals. It’s SO hard to implement these things because you think it’ll be a burden to say “yes” or complete chaos will take place if you don’t finish your tasks. But I promise, the only person it’s creating chaos for is you. You can’t pour from an empty cup!

Claire, we see you giving back and being a mommy and wife! Take care of yourself without feeling guilty! You are doing amazingly, you are a role model to so many including myself. Keep being you and don’t worry about how you will be perceived. Just to that, add a little more of what you want for yourself. XOXO

i think that for the role of being caretakers– especially for women, it’s something that’s engrained in our brains for a long, long time. people keep reminding us that our role in society is only meant to serve our partners and to take care of our children. it’s bullshit of course, but many of us struggle with this mindset. i don’t blame your parents, but their ideology of “doing the right thing” often pressurises a child into being very self-conscious of their actions but i don’t know your relationship with them well enough to judge it yet. you don’t need to feel guilty for setting boundaries or taking time to yourself– it’s not selfish at all. it’s good for you and people around you. and it’s also brave of you to reach out because you have no idea how much i relate to this and how validating this is. please take care of yourself <3

Hi Claire, I love your story, thanks for opening up like that, this is mine, most of the time I spend comparing myself to other people, my nose, my teeth, my moles and I guess I compare myself because they are my biggest insecurities and everything That, another thing that happened to me was that I couldn’t trust anyone or tell my things, but at the same time I needed to let off steam and be happy from time to time, what helped me was you, it’s weird because we don’t know each other, but whenever I was sad I looked at your stories and I was happy because you are happy, with your pregnancy it was an example I was so happy for you that I cried, and I usually write to your Instagram what happens to me, even if you don’t answer I don’t know, I feel that it is a relief share it, I adore you Claire, you helped me a lot in many things without even knowing me and I thank you very much, I think you are the best person there is and you are more than enough in all aspects, I think you should enjoy everything good thing that happens to you without thinking about others, it’s not bad to be selfish a couple of times, without doing it all the time, I admire you Claire.

With love F x

I just want to say thank you for being so honest. This post particularly is something I relate to massively. I think I am realising as I get further into my 20s that living for other people all the time will lead to me being unsatisfied and ultimately unhappy. It’s a fine balance to strike, nothing makes me feel happier than makes those I love happy. But if it’s always at the cost of your own happiness, a balance must be found. I get super guilty if I don’t exercise every single day, because I feel lazy and guilty and like I’ve wasted my day. So I totally relate. Anyway, thanks for this blog, finally made me feel like someone else gets it! X

I’ve never related to something more. I can never enjoy something wholeheartedly because the guilt will eventually come. Thank you for posting

I also struggle with fears, but I’m not afraid of hurting anyone, I’m afraid that I won’t achieve anything in my life. I don’t talk to anyone about it, I just swallow it. I know it’s not good to keep everything to myself but I just can’t trust anyone. I can’t even trust my own mother as she is very critical and selfish. I love my mother and I am really grateful for everything she had done for me, but this fear of talking to her openly about my problems just won’t go away, and it won’t either. and it’s the same with my friends, i love to help other people but i don’t want anyone to help me, I always want to do it myself. Even though I could really use help inside of me but I’m always afraid to be too open with other people. I’m very thankful that I can share my problems with you.I wanted to say that I completly understand you,and I think that everyone has to fight with fears, but everyone has different fears. Its really kind of you to let people share their Problems with you , i am really thankful for that 🙏❤️

Hey C, first off – thank you for sharing and being vulnerable <3. I can relate with you on so many levels about the guilt theme always being an obstacle in my life, and am also working through it with my therapist. What has helped me is recognizing where it comes from and my therapist and I figured out it
is most likely what I internalized and learned throughout my childhood growing up which became a core belief (my parents didn’t intentionally teach me to carry guilt, but shit happens). Our guilt is a little different (I don’t have kiddos) but feel guilty about decisions or mistakes I’ve made in the past and every time something “bad” happens to me feel like it’s fair because I’m paying the price for a decision I made 15 years ago etc. it’s honestly draining. My therapist tells me that part of the human experience is just that “living and making mistakes” maybe they aren’t even mistakes tbh. I am no where close in figuring out how to fix me, but would encourage you to dig into those core beliefs and find a way to challenge yourself and to REWRITE those beliefs -at least that’s what I’m trying to do. I hope this was helpful and you aren’t alone!
Love,
MC

You are not alone in feeling the sense of guilt at times, and wanting to please people. Not even so much a want to please, but it’s almost a need. I think it is just in your DNA to be a caring and empathetic person which sometimes manifests in your own mind that it isn’t enough ( even though it is enough). You are setting a positive example for your children in your work ethic and pursuit of new career possibilities. You are setting a positive foundation for them!
I don’t really have tools to manage these feelings, but i can say as I have gotten older I have been able to let go of that guilt a bit.
i’m sorry this is so long!