oh my god. this perfectly described my feelings in a way i didn’t know or think to describe it. mine is more of being a good person, and if i upset somebody in anyway, i break down. not only because i’ve upset them, but because it reflects on me. no matter how big or small, it kills me. but then i let other matters go so much, i worry about what’s best in general for myself. would a good person let that slide? it’s important to bring some things to light, i feel. all of it’s so complicated.

I have a lot of the same feelings, learning to let go

I completely understand what you’re feeling and have also struggled with am I working too hard to make sure my baby has everything, and where is that thin line that separates being a good provider and being an absent parent. And then, there is taking personal time for myself and asking does this make me a selfish or mindful of my mental health so that I can continue to nurture another healthy mind. The question I often ask myself is, why is it when the baby is born, everyone will tell you happy mom, happy baby. But as the child gets older, you’re self centered if you need a minute? I find that remembering, “happy mom equals happy child” because I think setting a good example of taking care of your mental health, as well as your childs, early on is important. This might have just been a ramble, but I really FELT this post and it got me thinking. I really appreciate your perspective.

I resonate a lot with the feeling of misplaced/overwhelming guilt from the time I was a child too. I always felt a need to confess something I may have done “wrong” or to tell on myself as soon as I even fibbed about any truth. This has carried into my adulthood in the form of me not believing why people around me would want to stay in my life/love me unconditionally. I’m really hard on myself especially in my personal relationships, and it causes my brain to descend into anxious chaos. I’m not sure I have much advice, as this is still something I’m very new in recognizing within myself and therefor very new to resolving/healing. I just read a book about overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts which has helped declutter my brain a bit and learn more about it, but I’m still very much a work in progress on, well, progress. I haven’t started therapy yet either, which I’m looking forward to. Im open to any advice and resources regarding all of it. Sending love.

This is it – to a T.

I have a nauseating need to tend to people’s wounds and then quickly grow to feel resentful that no one is looking out for me in the same way. When I realize that, I want to spend time growing myself, but I quickly feel just as nauseatingly guilty that I am not serving others with every breath I take.

One thing that my therapist has talked with me about is that unless you’re fully investing in yourself, you’ll never be able to invest in others fully. You have to take the time to fill the holes in your boat every now and then before you capsize, trying to scoop up large buckets of water from other people. Do the thing that heals you and know that is what you’ve got to do so you don’t become resentful of a life of service to other.

It’s not a bad thing to let a little guilt drive you to serve others and serve yourself. It’s finding the balance of letting it motivate you versus letting it cripple you – that is something I struggle with every single day.

This is so brutally honest and I’m so appreciative of this post. I can’t say I’m the exact same. However, I think I may be avoiding having children because I know (do I? Or is it just fear?) I’d lose myself. I already cannot leave my dog to go on vacations…or even enjoy any time away. I don’t trust anyone with her care (she’s old and has some issues). So, children?? Terrifying. Another point about guilt (for me)- I’m a vet tech. I have been for 11 years. It. Is. Hard. I’ve seen so many sick and abused animals. Pets I’ve been close with and watched them die. I’m burnt out. I want a new career..but I would feel SO guilty leaving the field because I’m good at my job. I NEED to be a helper in this regard and yet, I’m exhausted.

Not completely similar, but relatable. Thanks for sharing, Claire!

Thank u for sharing! It is super relatable and yet it’s not owned up enough by society.

Im also a people pleaser, or at least I was! I grew up w/ all these family issues where i learned that other peoples feelings were more important than mine. I had to deal w/ a difficult father who could burst out at any moment and a mom who (unintentially) told me everything that i should not know as a child. And this is only my home family (not yet talked about ALL the family).

I felt the need to be responsible for everybodies feelings, luck and tears. But in the past year i’ve been facing the reality of why i want to do that. It’s not one specific technique that i learned to not feel guilty, but i have to say that it helped me to start observing myself without judgement. In what moments do i feel those urges and what is the trigger? Why am i putting myself down? Why do i think in this specific moment that i dont deserve/am worthy of/being selfish? Just by observing and looking at it with curiosity helped me finding step by step why i do feel that. While finding out a lesson or two i tried to forgive myself and fully accept it. It is okay that i behaved/felt this way – bc it does makes sense if you look at how i was raised. But what i learned the most is that i have a choice. I cannot change what happened or how i dealt with things in the past, but i can make choice how i deal with things in the future. Slowely but surely i started to make small steps in putting myself first. Crazy scary, a lot of guilt, but also while doing it i saw that my environment went with the flow, that people liked it that i was honest about choosing myself. I started to not take emotions of others personally. I’m not responsible of how others feel or deal with things – the only thing that i want or try to do is to help them and guide them (if the situation applies). Besides that, i can only be the best person for my environment if i choose myself sometimes. And when i saw myself being able to be myself to the fullest bc of choosing myself, i started to like myself more! And feel secure, grounded and confident. It’s okay to choose yourself! Bc by doing that, you are also choosing for your close environment to be there in your best state!

I feel this deeply. But I’m wary of the advice your therapist gave as then if I don’t give back I’ll feel guilty about that haha! We’ll get there. It’s just hard when our children are young :)

This is going to sound not great but I throw money at that shit til it goes away. Assistants/ nanny/ delivery everything. Do what you need and love for you, enjoy your family and friends/ cultivate and nurture those relationships, and then cut corners for the literal rest of your existence with paid help. Giving 100% doesn’t have to be all your 100, but the guilt seems to go away for me as long as it’s an even 100 in all areas. Ok that’s all, don’t listen to a word I said, lmao this is probably some privileged ass terrible advice. <3 you’re not alone sister

I struggle with this concept also. Follow my passion and have a fun job meaning I have to budget hard vs hustle hard in a well paying job and squeeze my passion in when I get time.

Then the guilt sweeping over me when I am finally doing what brings me joy. Guilt that I should be with my family, guilt that I’m being selfish and guilt that without my passion, we would definitely have more money for a nice house.

I constantly feel torn. I have positive self talk, telling myself I am a better wife, mother and friend when I am happy but I don’t always believe my internal dialogue and think myself selfish.

I look forward to others insights xx B

The guilt complex shows how big your heart is! You are full of care and compassion. But none of us were created perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone hurts someone sometimes. You can’t be everything for everyone everywhere all at once. But you can rest in knowing that perfection is never the goal. Your kids will remember the love and sacrifice you show them. They also will see you doing the things that you love as well and that will make them happy, at least one day they will recognize that. Taking moments for yourself doesn’t make you selfish or a brat, it makes you human! You can’t continue to fill others buckets if your well has run dry. Taking care of you will really in turn be taking care of everyone else better as well. People pleasing is a hard thing to break, but at the end of the day let your intentions lead with love. For the people you love you do as you can. And for everyone else, you show kindness but you are free to not be whatever they need you to be all the time. That’s a pressure that is unfair for anyone to bear. You have a heart of gold, when you lead with love that’s what matters.

I live with guilt too. I have a job I love that requires that I sometimes work weekends, holidays, evenings. But doesn’t pay accordingly.
I have 2 kids who are 4 and 1 1/2, a husband, parents I’ve moved far away from.
I guess I’ve just learnt to accept guilt is part of my life. It doesn’t matter what I do I will always feel it, towards by kids, husband, parents, job. If I give more to one, I’ll feel guilt towards the others. So I just do what I think is right and makes me happy, I pursue my career, I don’t look for a job that would pay more but make me less happy, I spend every free moment with my kids and husband and make it quality time. I go see my parents as much as I can and know I will run every time they need me.
I am big headed, I think I CAN do it all.
I hope I am showing my boys what a strong, hard working, driven woman looks like. I hope they see what doing a job you love looks like. I hope they see what a family where both parents contribute equally looks like. I hope going to nursery means they socialise and learn and get stimulated more than if they were at home with me trying to look after me while doing chores etc. Maybe they are just things I tell myself to silence the guilt, but it kinda works.

I have never read something that I can relate to this much! Thank you for sharing.

I think as parents we all feel this way, or at least the good ones do. We carry the literal weight of life with us. We worry about and try to develop their future and experiences. We try to make them capable for when we’re inevitably gone. It’s… a lot to shoulder, even for two parents. I have lupus and even worse I’m an America Dad, conditioned to not talk about my daily physical pain, let alone the emotional baggage of my disease and just, ya know, life. I’ve been indoctrinated to keep myself in check, never let them see me sweat, and bare the burden “like a real man”. Ya know what I’ve discovered at 44? It’s all bullshit. They were miserable so why would I take advice from them? I felt guilty for having pain? For having emotions? For having dreams that went beyond a paycheck and the big piece of chicken at dinner? The first step for me in allowing myself to shake off some of that guilt was to understand that it was only really me piling that guilt on in the first place. Preconceived notions, other peoples opinions, all that was coming from the internal ME. I have to remind myself to shut that voice up! It’s hard, it creeps back in every so often… but that’s why we maintain a self care routine too. Because we give ourselves those precious moments to reflect even when we don’t feel like we deserve them… and we often find our true selves again in those moments.

Be kind to yourself. There’s a whole world out there that won’t be.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so seen before reading this, sometimes I look around to see that no one is living in this constant state of anxiety + trying to please everyone around. It’s hard for some of us to take a breath and realize that sometimes (most of the time) we should prioritize ourselves, we can be a shoulder to rely on for the people we love but we should not give our entire being in order to save someone else, our shoulder is enough!
It’s also a part of ourselves that we kept on building for years, so it’s not easy to let go. Day by day, one foot then the other, baby steps can make a difference. We can’t be helpful to our loved ones if we’re not in a good place ourselves, guilt may try to eat us but we can find something else to feed it – therapy, self-love and self-confidence and good old friends and family.
love, dariana.

I actually cried about something similar today.. I got invited to go shopping with two of my girlfriends however my husband is FIFO and we have no help around to look after my two children. I had an overwhelming amount of guilt that my friends should be able to enjoy a nice shopping trip without having to help with the craziness of my two children, even though they have expressed multiple times that they love my children as their own and that they are always there to help. I just couldn’t shake off that guilt of being a burden because I’m also a people pleaser.