Pregnancy Diary, 01

Written by CLAIRE HOLT | Jun 29, 2023

I thought I’d start a little diary to chronicle my thoughts about what will *probably* be my last pregnancy. To say my emotions have been all over the place recently is an understatement. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde are in a boxing match inside my brain and both refuse to admit defeat. Some days I’m positive, productive, and feel like I’m kicking ass. Others (like yesterday), I’m exhausted, nauseated and I amble around aimlessly blaming my husband for getting me into this mess. 

In general, I find pregnancy to be very destabilizing. I feel like I’m in some sort of holding pattern, waiting, with no idea what the future looks like. Will my baby be healthy? Will I struggle with postpartum? How will I manage breastfeeding? How will my other children adjust? Will I lose myself? So many questions that I am unable to answer. I desperately want to be the earth mother who embraces the magic of the unknown, but it’s just not me. I like certainty. I like feeling in control of my body. I like knowing what will happen next week, next month, and even next year. Since it’s my third go around, everything is a little more familiar, and I have the added benefit of knowing the joy that follows on the other side. It just seems so. damn. far. away. 

This also brings my old friend guilt to the party. ‘SHUT UP AND BE GRATEFUL, CLAIRE! So many people aren’t able to have children!! You don’t even have Hyperemesis! You don’t have to show up to an office and work a 70-hour week! What have you got to complain about?!’ (This voice, if you couldn’t tell, likes to yell.) And honestly, it’s got valid points. Aside from my first heartbreaking loss, I am extremely lucky as far as fertility goes. Sure, I had a rough first trimester, but I’m not throwing up daily for nine months straight. Yes, I work, but I can adjust my hours and workload depending on how I’m feeling. It makes the dark feelings much harder to process. I find it difficult to have grace for myself. 

I know that I’m growing a bunch of organs right now, but for some reason I feel ‘less than.' My body can’t do all the things it normally does, and I’ve realized that my physicality is a big part of my identity. Instead of sitting back, relaxing, and letting Andy rub my feet, I get annoyed. ‘This time last year I was running 13 miles,’ I think to myself as I shove another cookie down my throat. Whyyyyy. It’s so unhelpful and yet I still get stuck in the mindtrap. I’m sure some of it has to do with hormones, as I’m usually pretty good at pulling myself out of a funk, but lately it seems to require so much more effort. 

And don’t even get me started on the weight gain. A vitally important part of the development of a healthy child. Crucial. I know this, yet it still feels hard. I struggled with disordered eating in my late teens and early 20’s (I once had a director tell me that if I lost 5 lbs from each leg, I’d book more jobs), so it’s a fairly sensitive topic for me. I’ve done so much work on myself and feel that in general, I have an incredibly healthy mindset when it comes to body image. However, the negative thoughts still arise at times when I see my body expanding in a way that doesn’t feel comfortable. I’ve gained around 12 lbs so far (at 18 weeks), but 8 of them have been in the last month. If I keep this pace up I’m staring down the barrel of a lot more lbs than the recommended amount, which isn’t ideal. I’d probably struggle if my doctor told me to slow my roll. I try to stay positive and grateful that I’m able to carry a child, but it’s another part of pregnancy that feels like it requires a huge amount of mental effort. 

Something that I’ve found to be helpful is training myself to think like my kids. Whenever they have to step on the scale for the doctor, they’re thrilled with whatever number they see. ‘I’m growing, Mama!!’ they screech with delight. How cool is that? They have no concept of being ‘fat’ or ‘thin.’ Too big or too small. They just know the importance of eating so that their brains, and little bodies can grow. I’m trying to live like that. ‘I’m growing,’ I tell myself as the number creeps higher. ‘My baby’s brain and little body is getting bigger and stronger,’ I repeat over and over. 

I sound kind of doom and gloom, which is not at all how I want to be, but I think it’s important to share the honest side of this journey. Motherhood is by far the most spectacular thing that I’ve ever experienced, but that doesn’t mean that parts of it aren’t hard. I know that it will all be worth it. I know that when this little guy flies out I’ll sob with relief, gratitude, and jubilation. I know how lucky I am. I also know that if I stuff my feelings down in my guts and refuse to acknowledge them, they’ll erupt in some other way that is likely to be far more damaging. So here I am, spewing them out on the page to you guys. Thank you for all your comments of support and encouragement. You truly make me feel less alone. 

Claire x 

Leave a comment

Thank you for your comment!
Something gone wrong
  • A
    Ashley | 02.14.2024 | 07:18PM

    Thanks so much for being so honest, Claire. I’m now 16 weeks and feel many of the same emotions. I’ve been extremely nauseous and I try to be grateful it’s not hypermesis, that would be worse.
    It’s a complete mind game.
    I also have less energy than I’d like to for parenting my 3 year old. Then I realize I’m a full time working mom and we can’t be all on all the time.
    I appreciate so much the real thoughts♥️

  • M
    Megan | 01.29.2024 | 04:19PM

    Going through my first trimester during my first pregnancy and can’t muster up strength or energy to work out like I did 2 months ago. It’s tough but it’s good to know a public figure like yourself had these struggles and got through them. Thanks for sharing, it’s giving me hope to just hang in there!

  • N
    Nanna Thrane | 01.29.2024 | 04:19PM

    Thank you for you’re amazing blog. I’m currently first time pregnant, after years of trying. And I’m so grateful, but no one ever told me about all the other things that I would feel. The things that I guess most just nødt really say or tell. I needed to read the raw truth, so thank you for sharing. I don’t feel so alone 🥰

  • J
    Jayme-lee Wells | 01.29.2024 | 04:19PM

    Any advice for first time soon to be mummas that are terrified of the whole process?

    Also birth plans ?

  • E
    Ellery Foy | 11.02.2023 | 05:39PM

    Really needed this. Thank you so much for sharing. 31 weeks now with my second and my hormones are all over the place. I’m so happy to have another baby and I prayed for it and then within minutes I’m so incredibly sad. Then I can’t explain something. I’m at work and feel like a failure because I can’t remember anything and I feel like I can’t do it all. Trying to be a good mom, not put too much on my husband who is incredible who cooks/cleans always. Who puts himself last so that I can workout and have time to myself. Whew this is hard.

  • T
    Tiffany Mchowell | 09.28.2023 | 04:10PM

    Gahhhh I needed this! At 30 weeks now and feel like I’ve been pregnant for 2 years & missing all of my running, having energy and just putting on my normal clothes. Thanks for the honesty, love your words ❤️

  • L
    Laura | 08.10.2023 | 06:51PM

    Claire, thank you so much for sharing with raw honesty how you’re feeling and validating to an extent the way I think a lot of us feel. I’m early days into my first pregnancy and the emotional rollercoaster of feeling grateful and joyful while also being terrified and a bit of a grump is very very real. As someone who’s also struggled with disordered eating the weight gain puts me into a panic – your ’I’m growing’ story has really helped me put things into perspective and I’ll definitely be using it as my mantra for the foreseeable future!! Thankful for you!

  • R
    Rachel | 08.10.2023 | 06:51PM

    Sending so much love and light. As a fairly new mama, I find solidarity in your words. Along with all of the love and joy of a pregnancy and promise of new life to share, so many hard and sometimes dark feelings came as well. These thoughts have slowed me from jumping straight into another pregnancy.
    I hope you are able to find or create sunshine and light in your little corner for the duration of pregnancy and postpartum. X

  • J
    Jessie Butler | 08.10.2023 | 06:51PM

    Beautifully written. Thank you for saying all of this. Reading posts like this, about the experiences of being a mother, a wife, a woman with a career trying to balance it all, help so many of us feel seen and heard and not so alone. You are an incredibly talented actor, funny as hell, a great writer and and you love those babies fiercely. They are so lucky to have you. 🔥❤️

  • L
    Lucia | 08.10.2023 | 06:51PM

    It’s such a relief reading other people are going through the same thing as me. I’m 14 weeks into my first pregnancy and it has been SO HARD accepting the way my body has changed. And on top of that the feeling of guilt! Can’t wait to read more of your pregnancy diaries x

  • K
    Ksenia | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    Pregnancy is so wild. So many ups and downs. Everyone has such a different story and it is so hard to find validation. Thank you for sharing your story and for being so authentic. I wish you the most beautiful 3rd pregnancy and I hope that everything goes just the way you hope. Just don’t forget to be kind to yourself :)

  • V
    Vicki | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    You absolutely deserve to give yourself grace…we all do! Yes, you’re a celebrity who might have a few advantages… but you’re also human! You’ve worked very hard to be where you are in life and all the feelings you have are 100%valid. Thank you for being frank, open, and honest regarding your struggles. With your platform you definitely help other women feel like they’re not alone.
    I struggled with getting pregnant for 4 years before I was successful and had my twin daughters. The guilt after infertility is real too. My daughters are 6 now, but I feel guilty when I yell at them for not listening because ‘I should be so grateful I was able to get pregnant’…. and while I am grateful… some moments in life are just hard and trying. It’s ok to feel unsure, frustrated, tired, angry, happy…. just means you’re human! You got this mama…we all do!

  • L
    Leigh | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    Hey lady. Know that all these feelings are normal. Give yourself permission to feel them. Kudos to you for your bravery to share them. Much love. ❤️

  • E
    Erin | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    Thank you for this! I am due with baby #2 in October. All of your feelings are completely valid and you are not alone. Looking forward to more entries.

  • J
    Jessica Barker | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    Thank you for this entry. First time mommy-to-be here and I can relate with you on all levels. It is very comforting to know our feelings/emotions are validated and we are not alone. You got this, Mama!

  • K
    Kim Sheffield | 08.10.2023 | 06:54PM

    I relate to this so much. I have six beautiful boys and I’m a yoga teacher. I was so hard on myself to get straight back into shape. I truly only enjoyed the last pregnancy. I was 41 and knew it was the last. I lost a twin at 16 weeks which was devastating but really made me focus on giving the surviving baby the very best of me. It was the only pregnancy I let myself rest (easier as the elder five were at school). I had a great delivery. The only labour that my waters broke unassisted and two hours later birthed my peaceful, gentle son Noah. I realise know they were some of the best times of my life and wish I’d been more present instead of longing for it to be over. Make the time to wonder at what you and your body are creating. It really is so incredible. Lots of love xx