Hi! I’m backkkk! My brain is functioning like a 20-year-old vending machine that you have to whack to make it drop a Snickers bar, but it’s time for me to get my shit together and re-enter the real world. 

Let’s start with the glaringly obvious…. I’M NO LONGER PREGNANT!!! Yaaaa-fuckingggg-hooooooo. I cannot tell you how nice it feels to lay on my stomach, drink margaritas, and have a bladder that holds more than an ounce. Those last few weeks were no bueno. I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with some blood pressure issues towards the end of my pregnancy and I can’t tell you how glad I am not to be tethered to a cuff, worrying non-stop.

I was induced at 37 weeks exactly and even though I’d been induced twice before, I was SO damn anxious (I gracefully puked in a bush on the way to the hospital). I’d never delivered so early and hadn’t dealt with high BP in my other two pregnancies, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I tend to have long labors so I was prepared for that, but what I was not prepared for was a failed epidural. I really don’t want to scare any pregnant women reading this but OH MY GOD. If you plan on getting the epidural, I beg you to allow enough time for them to fix it if something goes wrong. I labored for 19 hours without it because I wanted to be able to move around, but by the time I got it, realized it wasn’t working, and screamed for an anesthesiologist to fix it….it was too late.

Now listen, If I’d done my birth prep and had the tools to get through a drug-free birth, it probably would have been manageable. Alas, I was ill prepared and screamed like a wild animal for the 6 minutes it took to push him out. When I tell you that it felt like someone was breaking my pelvis and lighting my vagina on fire - like WHAT? Men could absolutely never. And while we are at it, how the hell did women do this for thousands of years before modern medicine? Don’t tell me that’s what we were built for. I was built to vacation in Mexico and sip cocktails by the pool. Despite that, I somehow managed to birth the most delicious cherub to ever exist (mainly because I didn’t have a choice), and I’ve mostly forgotten how bloody awful it was. 

I will say, and I have absolutely no scientific evidence to back this up, that the immediate postpartum period was much better for me without the epidural. I truly felt like I could have run a marathon. I somehow got a second wind after being up for almost 48 hours, and I was in absolute heaven. Things continued like that for the most part, aside from a couple of menty b's that I blame on Andy for not reading my mind. And also maybe the hormones. I kept waiting for the blues to set in, but they never did. Can you believe that?! I really didn’t know that you could actually feel good during the 4th trimester. Just goes to show that every experience is different and you should always wait to worry. 

The older kids have been divineee with him. They are desperate to kiss his face all day long, but since they’re mostly covered in snot or coughing up a lung *chef's kiss* we’ve been doing a lot of head patting and toe kissing.

I just finished weaning, and I’m really glad to have my body back. Don’t even think about passing judgment, ok! My goal was to get him to his 2-month vaccines, and I’m proud of myself for doing that. I’ve never loved breastfeeding. I find it super painful, I only make jussssst enough, and it’s a pretty big source of anxiety for me. I spend most of my days worrying about my supply, and whether or not I’ve eaten something that will hurt his little tummy. It’s also so time consuming, which I found difficult to balance with the other two kids. When I told them I didn’t have to pump/feed anymore, they cheered. I took that as confirmation that I was making the right choice for all of us! I will say that I felt pretty sad and anxious during the two week weaning process. I don’t remember the feelings being quite so intense last time, but thankfully things have balanced out. I’ll miss that special nursing connection, but I keep reminding myself that he’s loved, fed and safe. We’re all winning. Also my crazy joint pain went away, which was a nice bonus! 

I’m not really sure what the year ahead looks like. Some days I’m motivated to get back to work and chase my dreams. Other days I want to sit on the couch and eat Shake Shack in a puddle of children. I won’t say I’m finding my way back to myself because I know I’m really discovering a new version of myself. God, I hope this version is cool. And in case you were wondering, I finally got Botox and it was everything I’d dreamed of. 

C x