Pregnancy Diary, 02

Written by CLAIRE HOLT | Aug 24, 2023

I figured it was time for a diary entry with a *slightly* more positive spin. Yes, I still hate being pregnant. Even if I wanted 4 kids - which I kind of do - I don’t think I’d be able to go through this again. With that being said, I gave myself a real kick in the ass about a month ago, because my attitude was appalling. I’d stopped doing all the things that improve my mental health (meditation, alone time, affirmations, etc) and was behaving like a real Karen. Not in public because I’m not unhinged, but definitely at home with my poor, sweet husband. I was also super exhausted from living at altitude for 2 months, which meant I had very few resources to deal with my own shit. 

When we got back to LA, I decided to take a long hard look at myself. I realized that I was tired of carrying around a dark cloud and it was time to burn that negativity off. Sure, things felt hard, but that’s life. I decided to get a grip and start focusing on all the positives, instead of the things I was lacking (margaritas and a waist). All we can control in life is our attitude, our emotions, and our responses, so that’s what I decided to change. I’ve gotta say, I’ve been doing a damn good job and I feel SO much better. 

Firstly, I’ve been meditating every day. I spend 10 minutes visualizing all the good in my life, and focusing on gratitude and love. I breathe deeply, tune out the noise, and imagine my body filling with light. If you’ve never tried it, I beg you to. It’s WILD what it can do for your mind. Next, I started listing all the things I’m grateful for throughout the day. I’ll randomly speak them out loud and encourage my kids to do it with me. Immediate mood booster. I also decided to stop weighing myself. I was getting obsessed with the number on the scale, and it really made me feel awful. No matter how many times I told myself it was normal and that I was healthy, I just couldn’t shake the feeling of discomfort. After I quit stepping on that dumb little thing, I was so pissed at myself for not doing it sooner. I stopped caring so much about my chafing thighs and swollen face. Who tf was I trying to look ‘perfect’ for anyway? My husband loves me, my kids love me, my friends don’t care about how much weight I gain. Was it for strangers on the internet? Cause I’m pretty sure people like it when they see a normal, growing, pregnant body. I know I do. Lastly, I bought myself some new clothes in bigger sizes. Not sure what I was trying to prove squeezing into my non-maternity leggings but they’ve officially been retired. My OB told me that the body just seems to have a set point and unless you go crazy and gain 100lbs, there’s not much you can do to change it. Since she’s an expert, I’ve decided to trust her and embrace my above average weight gain. I’ve also been embracing cheesecake since I might as well enjoy myself. 

As far as the actual child in my stomach goes, he seems happy as a clam. He is by far my most active baby and performs acrobatics all day and night. I’m really curious to see what kind of personality he’ll have (judging by his antics in utero I’m guessing he’s the swing from the rafters type). I’m dreading the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn, although I suppose it’s not much worse than trying to sleep whilst pregnant. I pee at least 3 times a night, am startled awake by the UFC training sessions that go on in my belly, and bolt upright a few times, panicked that I’ve deprived my kid of oxygen by rolling onto my back. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I get more deep sleep between night feeds than I do at the end of pregnancy. Only time (and my oura ring) will tell, I guess. 

One of the nice things about doing this a few times is the sense of calm that comes with experience. I know the postpartum period is going to suck for a while. I know breastfeeding is painful for me. I know I’ll feel guilty that I’m not giving enough time and energy to my other kids. I also know that it passes and I’ll eventually get back to feeling like myself again. I know that I can stop breastfeeding whenever the hell I want. I’m certain that my kids know they’re loved and adored, and that’s the most important thing. The days and nights crawl by so slowly at first, then you blink and they’re doing things all by themselves and you’re willing time to stop. It’s all just a series of phases that combine to equal the most unbelievably gratifying experience.

I’m writing this as someone who isn’t quite in the thick of the rough stuff. It’s damn near impossible to meditate when you’re puking nonstop, or to get some alone time when there’s a baby chomping on your nip. I’m sure I’ll have a few more wretched moments over the next year. When they happen, I’ll try to remind myself that the discomfort is brief in the scheme of things, and if I can find a way back to the tools that I know work, I’ll get through it. 

C x 

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  • N
    Natali | 10.05.2023 | 04:12PM

    Yes you will ❤️

  • A
    Andrea Lopez | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    I was a surrogate and gave birth for a family and the emotions you feel after we’re so hard. Started therapy and has helped me so much. Makes me feel good reading this and knowing I’m not alone. 😘

  • L
    Leonie | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Thank you for sharing, I am currently pregnant with our second child and I feel you so much! I love your posts, they are honest and also reflect my current feelings :)

  • R
    Raeesa | 09.28.2023 | 04:10PM

    This is beautiful! Good on you mum for picking your inner peace over the internet🤗… I myself am 34 pregnant, for my no #3, and its been pretty much a similar experience. It’s been different, harder, and took a great amount of self-searching to get this far… Thank you for sharing your experience💕

  • L
    Lauren | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Thank you for being real and sharing your struggles! Motherhood seems like it can be a lonely road without people to relate to. And you’re super relatable!

  • C
    Caroline Adams | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Thank you for sharing your full experience — the good, the bad, the ugly. It is such a comfort knowing I am not alone in feeling so much of this. And that I have so much to look forward to. 💛

  • M
    Morgan Sims | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    As a first time mom to a 10 week old, this resonates so much and makes me feel less alone. Thank you so, so much for that.

  • T
    Tori Dean | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Thank you for this! Just had my first the 14th of August. I always appreciate experienced mom advice. I also must remind myself that gratitude is an attitude AND a verb. You’re doing so good momma!

  • J
    Jen Aloi | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Thank you for these posts, I’m 42 and 8 weeks pregnant with my first. After me and my bf broke up last year I decided to just pull the trigger and become a single mom. I love how real your posts are and the recommendations. Overall in finding comfort when I read them and there’s very useful advice, thank you!

  • B
    Bethany | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Reading this.. I felt like you were speaking for me and what I’m experiencing right now. Thank you for making me feel like what I’m going through is normal! We got this!!! Positivity, gratitude, and love 💕

  • E
    Ellie | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    I am 6 months PP with a beautiful baby girl and by god those first 4-6 weeks were literal hell on earth for me. Now she’s 6 months old already and I have no clue where that time has gone! It’s so refreshing to hear the TRUTH of what pregnancy is like, both positive and not so positive. Thank you for sharing your experience, I for one can certainly resonate and appreciate hearing it from someone else other than those who feel they ‘have to’. Sending good vibes all the way from Aus!! Also, so happy to hear all is well with bub, I don’t care what anyone says, it can be so stressful even if things are tracking well x

  • H
    Holly L | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    I am a major fan of you. Also I look forward to your pregnancy diary entries as I am expecting as well. Due Christmas day and I am feeling all the same things are you. I feel not so alone now but know you aren’t either. You’re doing the absolute best and know you’re a great mom. Till next weeks read ❤️

  • M
    Miranda | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    Just want to send my love your way and let you know you are not alone. My son is 13 months and im pregnant again, im emotional and scared that he’ll feel left out, I want my kids close in age but im so terrified. My husband is a truck driver and he’s gone for two weeks at a time, sometimes I have melt downs with just the one Child. And now I know I’ll be home with two, it scares me. I’m grateful my body is allowing me to have another kid but also sad because the postpartum period is awful. Breastfeeding hurts and is the most tiring part for me. I love you thanks for making me feel okay, and understood with your words.

  • M
    Meghan Holt | 08.28.2023 | 11:35AM

    I love all of this!!